Dinner Foibles

While my friends lounge in the living room playing Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriot on my newly acquired mint condition 80 GB PlayStation 3, I am playing a whole different game in the kitchen. After all dinner isn’t going to make itself. I pride myself on being able to make a few dishes that are absolutely amazing and every now and then I decide to bestow the blessings of my talents on my close buddies.

I can hear Charlie Jay screaming mind boggling curses at Matt Hoffman to shoot and not run while The Turk and J. Hoover laugh hysterically in the background. Driving these annoying distractions to the back of my mind I focus on the task at hand. I’m about to unleash the perfect sliced salad on the world and I have just the tool needed to create this Mona Lisa of salads. The German Steel Gourmet Slicer, made from tough polymer, and fitted with blades of German steel it handles like a Samurai Sword forged by a master blacksmith.

Effortlessly it can be used for thick/thin slicing, thick/thin Juliennes, dicing, grating and more. I slice up a dozen tomatoes like a ninja hell-bent on creating perfection. A few cucumbers follow mercilessly. I pile on some onions, sliced thin to the point of near invisibility which leaves rivers of tears streaming down my face. A few carrots go the way of the onions. The thing about the Gourmet Slicer is that not only does it make the salad cuttings look like a professional chef prepared it; it also saves a whole lot of time. And when dealing with a bunch of heathen barbarians like my friends you don’t want to keep them waiting when it comes to food. The PlayStation 3 will only distract them for so long before they come rampaging to my kitchen like a flock of locusts that will devour anything in their path.

That’s why I am covering their path with some awesome Johnny Catch specials. My Shrimp Gumbo special leads the way, followed by my Fettuccini Carbonara Extraordinaire, my Christmas Mutton Curry ( a dish so spicy it’s like fireworks going off in your mouth!), and finally my avalanche of Sliced Salads master crafted with the Gourmet Slicer.

Sitting down to the table the boys unleash their full furious hunger upon my towers of culinary excellence like a savage horde of piranhas. I sit back sipping lager watching them feast endlessly. Any cook worth his/her salt knows the joy of watching people enjoy your meal is sometimes better than the taste of your own meal so I slowly chew my food while watching them pour theirs down their throats. Inadvertently even my mighty setting of food can’t stand the sheer gluttony unleashed upon it. The salad finishes without a trace.

Smiling like an alchemist that has the potion to immortality I just say “Give me a second boys and I’ll just slice up some more salad.”